how much have you spent?

It’s that time of year again. Suicide numbers will go up, temperature is going down and my wife has no other care in the world than hanging my balls in a tree. Angels, blinking lights and a fat guy with a red suite and a white beard. It’s the celebration of a branded holiday. As I was sipping on a Glühwein this weekend, it occurred to me: all of this forced merry behavior has nothing to do with any birthday of some dude 2000 years ago. No…

Santa Claus is red and white, because some brown lemonade brewing giant decided it would fit better in their ads. We send each other wishing cards because a card printing company tells us its a good idea. Well, it isn’t. Sending or receiving a card has never ever made any positive difference for me. On the contrary. When I get the card, I am supposed to send one back and if I don’t, people say I am killing the spirit of Christmas. Oh come on, if you wouldn’t have sent me a card in the first place, I wouldn’t have to act as if I cared! If you want to send me something, send me frigging shares of Coca Cola or Hallmark.

However, I am not against the whole Christmas thing. I like the wining and dining, together with so-called friends. This year, I will be in good company. We are doing it Italian style. Elio Di Rupo will be cooking and my old friend Silvio Berlusconi has invited us in one of his villas. Elio didn’t seem that interested, until he was told that Giorgio Armani would be coming dressed as Mrs Claus.

Anyway, in case we don’t meet in the crowded streets of Christmas infected London, I wish you spend a lot of money on gifts for your friends who will most likely put it up for sale on Ebay the day after.

Sincerely mine,

Mr Victor Hale

found in tradition

Not too long ago, I took a brake out of the busy daily tasks of being great and decided to go south to linger in the sun for a few days. One of the conditions I had given myself was not to be connected to the internet all of the time. Yes, I had given myself an incredible challenge. The first few hours were hell. No new tweets, no status updates and no info on updated profile pictures. I felt alone, lost, naked. The flight attendents had to calm me down and the captain of the plane promised to send me a friend request once we had landed. The horror : “Please turn off all your electronic devices.”.

I checked in in the hotel and was told that they had free Wifi. Great news, but against my good resolution to be connected as little as possible. I decided I had to step out doors as soon as possible. And then it happened. I witnessed an ancient ceremony. Right there in front of my very own eyes. People were communicating without the help of any device. I know, sounds incredible, but they had no profile you could check out first, no public settings and poking someone would clearly result in the need for some medical attention.

I hurried back to the hotel and did some research. It seems that this ancient tradition of direct interfacing between people has been around for quite some time. It is not just some nice effort like Google +, but a proven way of interacting with others. And my research even revealed new things to me. This direct communication is not only done in the street, no, they have special environments that enforce the intention of what is called “socializing”. These special locations are called bars, cafes, restaurants etc. Each and everyone has its own specificities and extra functions.

It goes without saying that I was intrigued by this new knowledge, but luckily I did not have to practice it. I had been smart enough to make sure my mobile internet connection was active when roaming. I applaud tradition and feel lucky to have witnessed it. After all, soon it will be something we read about.

Sincerely mine

Victor Hale

even if it is square.

I have been watching the news closely the last couple of weeks and it seems that all that matters, is money. For example, what is a headline in the newspapers a few days after my good friend Steve Jobs passed away? “Record number of pre-orders for the iPhone 4s”. Ok, I agree, one million phones pre-ordered is quite amazing, but so is the fact that Siberia has aknowledged officially that the Yeti, yes, the horrible snowman, exists for real.

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE capitalism. It has brought me nothing but success and happiness. Never believe anyone who tells you money does not make you happy. It sure as hell makes it a lot easier. That kind of remarks make me think of such expressions as “beauty is on the inside”. You know who says that? Ugly people.

Anyway, back to money. There is a lot going on around Greece and the European monetary zone. Some evil tongues even say that the Euro might dissappear all together! Well, I have a suggestion. Replace the Euro by me! I would make very beautiful money. The whole world would be at my… I mean, our feet. I have already begun creating the new HALE currency, since my solution is the only good one. As an example, you will find the new 100 HALE note below. You can claim yours by wiring me 100 Euro. You have to admit that it is very noble of me, to take over your soon to be worthless money.

Sincerely mine,

Victor Hale

Frankie Cocozza… and how girls like the bad boys…

I usually never ever watch programs such as “Your mother’s got talent” or “My name is idiot”, but a certain chap who auditioned on the U.K. version of X Factor caught my attention. He calls his own life “mental” and hopes to become famous to get as many girls as possible. You have to love the honesty in his explanation on why he entered the program. At least he will never make any brainless remarks as some beauty pageant bimbos do, such as “when i become Miss Potato, i will make sure no one in the world is hungry anymore” or “can you repeat the question”.

What also became quite obvious, is that tattooing girls names on your butt, gets you more girls. The girls seem to like the bad boy. It might even be an interesting source of income since it seems women would even pay to be part of the list. However, resources are obviously not unlimited. I am wondering how much a spot on Frankie’s derrière would go for when auctioned online… Girls, any suggestions?

Anyway, just check out his audition and enjoy the frankness by Frankie.

Sincerely mine

Victor Hale

Well, grazie mille, Mr Berlusconi !

It is unbelievable, you wouldn’t see this in a B movie directed by a cocaine addicted pink poodle… Mr. Prime Minister of Italy, Il Cavaliere, calls his bella Italia a “paese di merda”, a shitty country. After all the scandals, this guy is still not removed from the political scene in Italy. In other countries, getting a parking ticket is enough to kick out a member of parliament, let alone a Prime Minister.

The whole world knows that Silvio is a ladies man and don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with that. Up to the point off course when it becomes embarassing or even barely legal. I don’t think the name “bunga bunga” party leaves much to the imagination. It is simply amazing that even after Rubygate, the Man is still in function. And I am quite sure that’s not the only gate he shouldn’t have gone through.

But all things said and done, you have to give it to him. He has been able all this time to keep over 60 million Italians in line, through politics and media supremacy. He never loses his weird sense of humor and is one of the most powerful men in Europe. For me he is up there with Donald Duck, disposable lenses and that creepy red Teletubbie.

Sincerely mine

Victor Hale

(original image posted here)